Mandatory Sessions

Posted on Mon Aug 26th, 2013 @ 2:04pm by Lieutenant Colonel Jillian "Phoenix" Sullivan & Lieutenant Anandra Delair

3,518 words; about a 18 minute read

Mission: Mission 84 - Blockade
Location: Counselor's Office
Timeline: 2 Days Before Mission

Phoenix loathed counselors, no matter how much they spent time with the aggressive pilot. But here she was, at the door of the counselor's office. She dressed to regulation... sort of.

Phoenix had her grey pilot's suit on, unzipped and tied the arms of it around her waist. She stood in her green tank top as she rang the door to enter. Really, after recovering from a hangover, she spent a good deal of the morning, working on the Scorpion she captured, thus she looked a bit untidy.

"Come on in!" Anandra called from her perch at her desk. She was going over the 'paperwork' aspects of her day, but free and ready to take patients. As Jillian stepped into the office, Anandra stood from her seat to respectfully greet the officer. "Hello there Major, what can I do for you?"

"Per prisoner release conditions, I am mandated to counseling sessions," Phoenix began blandly as she stood in the middle of the room now. "That's what I'm here for."

"Alrighty." she said, only slightly put off by the bland demeanor and the impersonal response. She wondered if the Major was not put off herself just for being mandated to show up here. "Well, have a seat, make yourself comfortable." She said, gesturing to an empty chair, then moving to pull up the Major's personnel file. "Tell me about the experience that has mandated you to be here."

"Aiding a terrorist group, I think, would be the reason the Federation doesn't think very highly of me," Phoenix answered and evaded as she picked a spot by the view port.

Jillian never liked being personal, not because she didn't like people, but mostly because she hated herself more than she hated others... Which might of been the main reason Phoenix rubbed her hands together a lot.

"Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure of it... Red belly Feds don't think very much of the colony folk on the DMZ or any other area laying close to former enemies," Phoenix added in retrospect.

Anandra found herself intrigued, arching a brow at Jillian's response. "Well. You're here now, with the Federation. I imagine you wouldn't be if you still held the ideals of a terrorist organization, no? As for what the Federation thinks, they can't think too lowly of you or you wouldn't be a Major. You possess a worthy skillset, and experience that is no doubt priceless to your position. You have a lot to offer the Federation, and I'm sure they know that." She paused, considering the Major as she perched by the view port. She got a sense that this woman had a lot of inner struggle and that her problems were perhaps not entirely what they seemed. "However, I wonder if you realize that - if you recognize your own worth."

"Oh I know I'm the best pilot in the fleet," Phoenix stated as if it were a given fact, rather than an arrogant remark. "I suppose my only strong point, besides my flying, is that I know how to kill effectively and unlawfully. Which is sorta a unique skillset those of us on the boarders learned out of necessity, because the Feds ignored what the spoonheads were doing to us for several years, before the Fed-Spoonhead War hit."

The remark may have sounded arrogant to some, but it was a demonstration of confidence, and that was what Anandra wanted to see. She cringed at the use of the derogatory term 'spoonhead', though she would not venture to ask the Major to watch her language. While Anandra preferred not to use language of the sort herself, she fully believed in, and operated under, a total freedom of speech policy. "And you still harbor some resentment over that? Anger perhaps?"

"All of us that lost our homes, do. Spoonheads are ruthless and take anything they want at will. And when the Federation condones that, it don't make colony folks feel great about the government," Phoenix stated angrily as she stared out the window.

There was an unfortunate familiarity to Jillian's sentiment - in all her years Anandra had come across countless persons, countless cultures in which governments and establishments left a sour taste in their people's mouths. "As an El-Aurian I can certainly understand your plight, in terms of losing your home, and I do agree that a majority of Cardassians are ruthless; but I would urge you not to slight yourself by harboring ill thoughts toward them collectively as a species. You must keep in mind that there are cultural forces behind the way that they are, and that certain individuals, like those involved in the loss of your homes, do not necessarily represent the whole of the species. You can't allow yourself to dance the line between open-mindedness and blind hatred, it's a dangerous line if you fall the wrong way."

"It's kept me alive all these years," Jillian admitted bitterly. "I joined the Maquis cuz it was the right thing ta do, and we killed those Spoonheads by the thousands and I don't feel any remorse for it."

Anandra sighed, realizing that for a number of reasons, this would prove to be a difficult patient. She thought back at all the times she herself had fantasized about killing Borg, about how for a number of years she regretted never having the opportunity to feel the satisfaction of damaging one of the things who took everything she ever loved away from her. Even now, she knew that if given the opportunity she would find herself struggling between her innate morals, her Starfleet ideals, and her desire to seek a bitter revenge. But, she also suspected that if she ever did seize the opportunity, she would feel a nagging remorse until the end of her days, for having taken a life that was not hers to take. "It may have kept you alive, but are you really..living, with all this bitterness inside?" Anandra could not believe what a relief it was for her when she finally 'got over it', got over what the Borg did to her. "Do you find you have room to experience all the other emotions that make life so worth living? Love, happiness, forgiveness - they're difficult to experience with a bitter heart."

"Oh I have room, it's just I don't really have anything in my life to be cheery about," Phoenix noted with an indifferent shrug.

"Well, let's start by talking about the things in your life that you have to be..not cheery about? If you could narrow it down to one thing in your life that needs changing, what would it be?"

In an instant Phoenix's head snapped from the window, to Anandra. There were many things she had to be bitter about, mostly because she could not change them and was powerless to do anything about them. The righteousness that once was one of her key traits, eroded away every time one of her family or friends died in battles.

"I suppose I don't really open myself up to trust many," Phoenix answered almost instantly, and flexed her gloved, prosthetic hand artistically. "Then again, with my record, not many trust me, so it's a two-way street."

"That may be true, but perhaps it's time to start opening up, start trying to trust or at least opening your mind to the concept." She looked at Jillian empathetically, seeing a bit of her past self in the younger woman. She wanted to help her find some solace, find a way to open herself up and experience all the joy and peace available to her. "You are safe from judgement here, and I do honestly and deeply care about your well-being. I will never push you to do or talk about anything you're uncomfortable with, but I do ask you to try and open up to me. Let's try to work together on that, yes?"

"It's not an easy concept for me to grasp," Phoenix admitted with apprehension in both her voice and her eyes, then took her glove off to test those waters. Most people typically were freaked out by a metal, robotic hand without synthetic flesh. "I'm not sure where to begin, really."

She sensed her apprehension and continued in a cool, soothing tone. "I can understand that. And I am willing to help you grasp it." She watched as Jillian removed her glove, and unlike some people she found the metal robotic hand beautiful; a mechanical triumph no doubt, but appealing in the way it mimicked nature so gracefully. "If you don't mind, I'd like to begin by trying to focus on the positive. Try to think of some things that make you feel good. What are some things in your life currently that make you feel happy?"

"Sex, flying, and sleeping," Phoenix answered very abruptly, though she did not know if all of those were a good thing.

"That's a great start. And all of those can be good things depending on how you handle them. Let's talk about sex first. Are you currently active with anyone, and is it an exclusive relationship?"

"Mostly prostitutes, some gigolos, sometimes drunken one-night stands with some of the crew," Phoenix answered with a half-grin.

At first Anandra wasn't certain she was serious, but after a steady gaze she sensed she probably was. "And are they..the only people you engage with? Have you had any steady, serious romantic relationships in your life recently?"

"Romantic, no," Phoenix answered quietly and almost mournfully as she went into her memories. She flinched upon her time in the prison. "Closest to a relationship I come is being someone's prison bitch."

Anandra's heart ached for Jillian, though she kept her objective and cool demeanor with the understanding that mourning alongside her was not at all what the Major needed. "I am terribly sorry that you've had to go through that, Jillian, I truly am. And I could see how your experiences have made it difficult for you to open up, to trust. But I think it's important for you to try to separate your past from your present. You can find a healthy, romantic relationship now. You are an attractive woman with a lot to offer, and you yourself need to recognize that before anyone else. I recall the old terran saying - 'you've got to love yourself before anyone else can love you'. It may be difficult but I want you to start viewing your positive attributes, and stop connecting yourself to your past. Try to view your past more objectively, as something that was, not something that is. And if you do seek out romance, or even just sex..try not to do it under a haze of alcohol intoxication. Open yourself up to culminating a relationship without it, not only because it will be safer and healthier, but because it will allow you to experience the full scope of the emotions that come along with meeting someone and opening up, giving yourself to them."

"I deserved what I got," Phoenix spoke, not really realizing it as she thought about Oxly's visit. "Got my folks caught. I compromised the op, and now they suffer as I sit here in this cozy station."

Phoenix grew eerily quiet as she looked back out of the window in both anger and self-loathing.

"And you're experiencing some guilt, no doubt. Would you have done differently, looking back now, if you could?"

"I think the outcome would of still been what it was," Jillian thought in retrospect. "Maquis was underfunded and had little firepower, so no, I'd of probably made the same choices."

"If given the chance to get your parents out, then...would you do so?"

"The prison colony I was plucked from, doesn't exist on paper. It never will. So the only way I can get my parents out, is by doing things you are trying to get me not to do so willingly," Phoenix told the counselor very coolly. "My way deals in subterfuge and murder, if you want clarification."

"Well. Thank you for the clarification." Anandra said, musing on the Major's frankness. "I'm wondering about something you said just a bit ago, about deserving what you got - is it because of the murder and subterfuge that you feel you were deserving?"

"I was all of nine when I made my first kill, Lady." Phoenix sighed in frustration. "I seen most my siblings die in front of me, from Spoonheads launching plasma shells into our village. And I don't really feel anything, from killing him... I'm more angry with myself for not seeing that I was looked at as a traitor, because the Feds used me to get to my folks, in the end."

"I am sorry if you find this frustrating." Anandra noted in an empathetic tone. "But I am not merely making idle conversation here. I am trying to get a grasp on who you are - not only who you allow others to see you as, but who you really are inside. I can't imagine that deep down on the inside you are a cold-hearted killer. I sense that you have a lot of inner turmoil, and that what you have become is a mere matter of unfortunate circumstance; that there is still a lot of good in you, and that even you yourself are having difficulty finding it. But it is there, and I intend to help you find it if you are willing. I am certain you can have a healthy, happy life, full of love and understanding if you just learn to find it. Let me help you find it."

"The love I have for my parents is still there," Phoenix corrected. "It's just I had to become hard on the outside to survive the things I have. Be it prison or war. But it's rare I see my parents, and mostly it's looking at holovids from them, that I try to relax with."

Anandra was relieved to hear that the love she had for her parents was still there, though it was heartbreaking that they were separated, and indefinitely so, from what it seemed. "You did have to become hard, because you were up against insurmountable odds. But you no longer need that shell, not the whole of it anyway, here." She'd already made the pint several times that Jillian was safe here, but it bared repeating. "Does it help you to relax to see those holovideos?"

"I don't feel so alone when I see them," Jillian admitted with a lot of difficulty. She did not like being so open. "JAG allots me two visits, an hour each, a year but it's not enough."

She let that hang there and rubbed her real hand against the metallic fingers of her other hand. A lot of feelings stirred when she was in these sessions. And most of them she did not like showing in front of others, but she honestly was trying.

Anandra thought of her own parents momentarily. Her mother, who died when she was quite young, and her father who survived the Borg invasion with her, only to die a short time later of terminal illness. She did not have the luxury of going to see them either, obviously, nor did she have holovideos, as all of her personal data had been on the El-Aurian homeworld when it was destroyed - though her El-Aurian memory served her well enough in that area. She could not help but feel a strong connection to Jillian, and thus an innate desire to help see her through her suffering. "Have you ever considered seeking out comfort in other people? Is there anyone on base that you trust more than most?"

"In my line of work, combat pilots rarely make it to retirement. So I don't try for friendships much anymore," Jillian spoke very soberly. She did have a few friends in the Dominion War, but all of them died in one dogfight or another. "I mean, when I was first given a fighter, no one liked me, at all. But then as the war came, we all grew close out of necessity. But most of the people I grew to adore and respect in our unit, never made it back to the barn."

"I am very sorry for the losses you've suffered, I can imagine it's been very, very difficult along the way. But you can get close to people here in Starfleet, certainly there is always the chance for loss of life, there is in any walk of life, in any kind of existence..but the chances are slimmer here than they were for you back when you had a fighter, when you were out fighting wars. I'm not saying you should let everybody in, that you should jump right into cultivating relationships..just open yourself to the idea. Ease into it, try to start letting people get close, and then decide if you really want to let them in."

"You wanna know what I hate most about this monkey outfit?" Jillian finally spoke after a long silence. "I don't like Starfleet, period. I think they are cowards and weak. I don't like that many Fleeters try to sympathize with the Maquis, when ever I tell them what I am. Because in the end, they aren't honorable or righteous, nor do these people know how to do the right thing. They follow orders because it's the easy path. And I don't like slackers or yellow bellies that tell me they were sorry for what happened in the DMZ, but did nothing to stop it."

Anandra looked thoughtfully at Jillian as she spoke, and awaited her next thought. "On the contrary, think of the astounding achievements Starfleet has accomplished in so short a span of time. I think it takes a great deal of strength and courage to do what we do here. It's just a different kind. Your experiences required starkly different forms of strength and courage, but that does not make Starfleet weak. We all have to take orders as we walk through life, it begins with our parents and continues through education and careers, it does not make anybody weak, there is nothing wrong with being subordinate if the greater goal is better served by that hierarchy of power. And I am sure there are a great deal of those 'sorry' people who would have done something if they could, and I am sure that many of them are sincerely empathizing. Don't turn down their empathy because you feel slighted by the circumstances. I think it would be healthy for you to welcome and accept some empathy sometimes..you need to realize there are people in your corner whether you expect them to be or not. We're all brothers and sisters here, of sorts. Many of us do genuinely care about each others well-being, about the horrors suffered in the past, about the future of each of our lives."

The hardness finally cracked from Jillian's face as she considered the counselor's words. It was often hard to see the perspective of others and Phoenix had to agree with the logic presented to her.

"You are right..." Phoenix at last agreed. "It's exhausting to live as I have. And I suppose I can learn not to read too much into the empathy of others."

Anandra was relieved to hear those words from Jillian's mouth, though she kept her professionally stoic demeanor, but for a hint of a smile. "That may be the most important step you take from here today. It's not going to be easy, but try to keep reminding yourself of that exhaustion, anytime you begin to feel bitter about things, think about that exhaustion and what a relief it will be when you no longer have to bear the weight of it on your shoulders." She really hated to end the session, but a glance at the clock told her it was time. "You've done very well here today, Major, made a lot of progress even if it may not seem that way. Unfortunately it's time to wrap up for now. Just remember when you go - the future is bright for you and I hope you'll come back so we can continue to work together to find you all the relief, comfort, and happiness you deserve. And you can always call on me at anytime, no matter what, if you need..an ear, some new perspective, anything at all."

"I'm mandated to regular sessions, so it's not a question on I skipping out or not," Phoenix stated flatly as she stood up. Honestly, she did not know what she was supposed to feel at this point. It was hard to allow for full relief when her parents still suffered because of her mistakes.

Still, Phoenix gave the counselor a polite nod in parting. Of course she would return, as rehabilitation typically went with counseling.

---

Major Jillian Sullivan
Commander, Air Group

Lieutenant Aandra Delair
Chief Counselor

 

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