Deep Wounds

Posted on Sat Oct 11th, 2014 @ 4:58am by Lieutenant Colonel Jillian "Phoenix" Sullivan

1,051 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Mission 86 - Discovery
Location: Siaxx Quaters - Starbase 400
Timeline: the Next morning after Dinner went bad

"Deep Wounds"

Lieutenant Siaxx Dvald
Major Jillian "Phoenix" Sullivan

Music Soundtrack: Han Solo and the Princess - Empire Strikes Back Soundtrack

***** Siaxx Quarters - Starbase 400 *****

Lieutenant Siaxx Dvald had a feeling that Phoenix was moving out considering recent events that had happened and Siaxx decided not to argue or fight with her, if she wanted to leave then Siaxx wasn't going to stop her.

She stood in her quarters as she watched the human woman pack up her things as she sighed softly because she wasn't holding a grudge unlike most in her position.

It felt awful, to look into the eyes of the person you love, and know it was your fault for putting them in the hospital. Forgiveness or not, Phoenix did not trust herself and being in relationships only proved to her the very reason she avoided them in the first place... They brought nothing but pain and distraction.

Try as she might to tell herself she was closing the door on this relationship, her heart denied it. The only truth her heart would allow, was space. To return to her own place and heal.

"It aint your fault, Goddess," Phoenix spoke just barely above a whisper while she placed some of her clothes in a crate.

Siaxx didn't hate Phoenix for what happened, she regarded her. "Its not yours either Jill... sometimes things just happen.." she said quietly. "I'd try and talk you out of it but.... I know you need to deal with things so... I won't get in your way..." she sighed softly, feeling that this relationship was ending.

"I wanted to hurt you for hurtin' me," Phoenix spoke with a bitter taste in her mouth. She hated herself and could not look at Siaxx when she admitted her sins because of her guilt. "I wanted to and I did... And I don' wanna feel that way ever again 'bout folks I love."

Siaxx regarded the other woman as she nodded her head. "Jill... you're not being fair on yourself... we both had issues that kept getting in the way..." Siaxx explained softy.

"I'm a monster Siaxx," Phoenix admitted with tears staining her cheeks, and ripped off her right sleeve to remind Siaxx of the scars on her arm, along with the metal hand. "I can' live with myself if I hurt you again."

"I don't believe that." the Bolian woman answered bluntly. "I've seen the real you underneath all that armor you carry... and.. I'm going to miss her." she admitted quietly.

"I..." Phoenix finally looked up to talk to Siaxx face to face. The Bolian could see a vulnerable woman teeming with guilt behind those watery blue eyes. "Siaxx.... I dunno how to stop the beast once it's out."

Siaxx blinked as she regarded her lover. "Then we must find other means to declaw her or pacify her..." she responded. "But.. considering recent events... I understand why you're doing this..." she explained. "I don't blame you for what happened.... mistakes were made but its how we learn from them that will ultimately define us..." she explained. "we can't always be ready for the tests though..."

"With Anan bein' off station, it's hard to deal with my anger an' pain," Phoenix admitted as she sat on the bed. Then she tried to dry her eyes. "I... I sometimes think an engramatic purge is needed. Remove or alter stuff so I aint so angry."

Siaxx regarded her with her dark eyes before moving to her side, sitting down next to her on the bed then she gently took the humans hand in her own. "Jill... No... don't start thinking like that.... you won't ever be the same person I fell in love with... all of our life experiences are like a tapestry and if you pull one thread... the entire thread unravels.."

"I love you very much," Jill sniffed as she placed her head on Siaxx's shoulder to cry. "...I just dunno how to fix this. And I deeply want ta."

Siaxx gently coiled her arms around the human who had somehow managed to capture her heart. "It'll be alright Jill. We will survive this as we have everything else..".

The Bolian gently held Jill Sullivan in her arms as she gently whispered words of encouragement into her ear, she had no idea of how long the two were there but she did not consider such matters, all that did matter was their relationship which had been beaten and battered but was still intact.

"I'm sorry," Jill cried hard into Siaxx's arms.

"Its okay." Siaxx gently held Phoenix against her.

"What are we gonna do now?" Phoneix sniffed on Siaxx's shirt.

"Lets take it one day at a time..." Siaxx said softly. "I know you need your space to sort things out..." she commented. "I will not get in your way.."

"I don' need space," Phoenix corrected, still sniffing. "...I just dunno if you'll be safe 'round me right now, given all the family stuff that pushed me ta snap. ...I don' want Mom ta die, an' I am overwhelmed with what ta do 'bout being a mom, an' a lot of other things."

"Then we will manage.. You don't scare me." Siaxx smiled at the human woman. "but.. I do understand..."

Phoenix nodded in agreement to that. "Just need a week or so ta myself then ta get my head straight. Ya all right with 'at?"

Siaxx smiled warmly at the other woman. "Of course.." she responded. "Your mom considers me her second daughter... she told me as much after I came to last night." she sighed softly as she had to fight a wave of intense emotion. "I know what's coming and I will help with the preparations." she commented, referring to Dorothy's funeral.

"Watch her for a bit, will ya?" Phoenix asked with worry. She could not bare to look at her family, after what she had done.

Siaxx regarded Phoenix. "Of course...where are you going?" the Bolian inquired. "You're not thinking of running ... are you?"

"I'll be 'bout... Just I need space ta think," Phoenix both answered and evaded.

Siaxx nodded her head, knowing full well that getting anything out of Jill when stupid things were happening. "Alright."

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