Starting over

Posted on Mon Sep 2nd, 2013 @ 5:23pm by Lieutenant Saith i-Ki Baratan & Lieutenant Anandra Delair

1,141 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: Mission 84 - Blockade
Location: Counseling - SB400
Timeline: Currently

Saith left sickbay and made the short walk to the counseling center. Looking around she didn’t see anyone she actually knew, so she snagged the first person she saw. “I need to make an appointment. I was seeing Counselor Dallas, so I need assigned to someone else now.”

Saith hated starting over, but she didn’t have much choice. She shivered a little wondering what it meant that she had completely forgotten she lived with Maal now. Was it her fixation on the last mission, exhaustion, or something else? She shook her head.

Anandra smiled brightly as Saith approached. "Alrighty!" she said, punching a button on the console as she pulled up her patient roster. Despite being at SB400 for a while now and recently being promoted to Chief Counselor, she still had room for more patients. And, ever the hard-working type, she was always eager to take them on. "I have plenty of room for new patients myself, or if you'd prefer another counselor I can certainly make that so."

Saith paused, "Actually I would prefer to not be here, but since I am ordered to be here, it doesn't matter whom I see."

"Ha, I can empathize, believe it or not. Never had much care for counseling myself. How's that for irony?" She said with a hint of a smirk. "If you'd like to get your first session over with right away, I do have the next two hours open. Otherwise I can schedule you in at your convenience. I'd like to know the circumstances of your being ordered either way, if you don't mind giving me the short-hand reason now so I can enter it in your new patient file."

Saith sighed in frustration. “It should all be in my files from Counselor Dallas, but the short version is that I have anger management issues. I have time, you have time, we might as well get the first session over with. Besides, I admit to being a bit overwhelmed today.”

Anandra's eyes scanned the file on the console as she noted Saith's frustration. "I apologize, I do see it right here." She was a bit pleased that she agreed to get started right away, and with that she locked the console and turned her full attention to Saith. "That's a good place to start, why don't you tell me what's got you feeling overwhelmed today."

Saith stood staring out of the view port. She was notoriously bad about not looking counselors in the eyes. It always made her nervous to look directly at them, but space was calming. “Well,” she began as she decided which order to put her issues in.
“I was promoted when I am not sure it was the right thing to do; in part because of my personal problems with the last mission.” She glanced at the counselor then resumed looking at space. “I had a lot of personal turmoil with this last mission and I admit that I damn near turned it all upside down, returned to the Empire, and that would have cost everyone else their lives.” She frowned at her own reflection.

“Then, even worse, I get home from said mission and return not to my new quarters I share with Maal, but my old quarters down in the dark corners of the station where I feel safe. I honestly forgot that I had moved in with him prior to the mission. Isn’t that bad?” She didn’t wait for a response, “Of course it’s bad, and even worse it didn’t bother him. At least it didn’t seem to, and then he asks me about having children.”

This time she did move over to sit across from the counselor. “I have never thought about children. Ever! Never in my entire life. I never even saw a child except myself until I was about 19 standard years of age. I spent my own childhood locked away in a high security center for something I didn’t do. I was forced to see counselors twice a day until I was just over 8.” Saith frowned, “I think I would be a terrible mother, Maal disagrees. He deserves better than me. And I am faced with meeting his family soon.” Saith stopped talking and looked at her hands in her lap, willing herself not to cry.

"Saith, your past experiences do not necessarily dictate the nature of your parenting. If anything, you've had experiences that have the potential to aid you in making better decisions when it comes to your own. And you are a good person with a good heart so the nature to be a decent parent is already there. That being said, you were under a particular amount of stress with this last mission, it's perfectly reasonable that you forgot moving in with Maal, and the fact that it didn't bother him only supports the fact that it was a completely excusable offense, anyone could have forgotten under the circumstances, especially if the move came very close to the start of the last mission.."

Anandra looked at Saith a moment, simply considering her, before she pressed onward. "Maal is the only person who can determine if he deserves better than you. If he wants to be with you, then he undoubtedly sees plenty worth having. Are you concerned about meeting his family? What are your concerns?"

Saith blew out her breath and looked up at the ceiling considering. “I suppose,” she paused, “I suppose I am feeling quite unready to meet them. I have no background in families, my own family was a disaster that I spent 6 years in, then I was institutionalized, then I was put on a ship where I knew no one, finally I only spent a couple of years with my adopted family in the federation and I am very mindful of the fact I am not really one of them. I don’t know what they are expecting from me,” referring to Maal’s family. “I don’t know if this is too soon, or not.” She took another breath, “I guess I am saying I am not sure I am capable or ready to move forward and Maal is talking children and introducing me to his family. I love him and I want to move forward but I am not sure I can and he will not want me. If there is a way to screw this up, believe me I will find it.” Saith clearly had a tendency to say nothing, or to say a million things in just a few sentences. The unspoken concerns were as clear as the spoken ones.

She stood up abruptly and headed for the door. "I have a mission to get ready for." Saith left the counseling area and headed to meet Maal for lunch.

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