First time for everything

Posted on Thu Aug 29th, 2019 @ 4:07pm by Lieutenant Commander Carolyn Corrigan MD & Lieutenant Commander Ariana Monroe-Wayne
Edited on on Thu Aug 29th, 2019 @ 4:23pm

2,350 words; about a 12 minute read

Mission: Episode 99 - Exordium / Epilogue
Location: SB400. counselling dept
Timeline: MD02 1030 hrs

Fingertip poised over the door chime, Carolyn hesitated. Able to think of a million reasons why she did not want to press the button and only two reasons to do so. It wasn't an evenly weighted list, on reflection. And many of the reasons not to were down to insignificant things. Bad experiences which were unfair to apply to the here and now.

One of the reasons for, was Hades. One of the few true friends she actually had, who also happened to have made coming here an order.

The second... was a little more complicated. She smiled to herself, remembering how it had become a favourite expression. Life was complicated. It was cruel and wonderful and sometimes both at the sametime. But that one mistake by one nurse had unravelled a lot of things she had wanted to keep wrapped up in a little bubble. But that bubble had well and truly burst.

She did not share Hades faith. Or his confidence. But she did trust him.

Taking a deep breath she pressed the door chime, wishing she had stopped to change into a uniform. Perhaps then she wouldn't feel quite so uncomfortable. Ariana had always been kind, offering to listen. Of course, Carolyn had always sidestepped it. Or declined. Then flat out disappeared for weeks on end.

This would definately be a first...

Ariana approached the door, she could feel the unease coming from the other side of it a mile away. As the door opened she was surprised to see Carolyn standing outside. "Carolyn? Is everything okay?"

For her part, the doctor opted for the simplest immediate answer, "Hades said I had to come see you. Not like, right this second but just at some point. I figured now would be better."

"Then please, come on in." Ariana motioned for Carolyn to enter. "Just make yourself at home. Can I get you anything?"

Carolyn hesitated before stepping over the threshold into Ariana’s office. Telling herself to relax was just not cutting it. “Unless you have a way to cure the hangover from hell or turn back time...” she sighed sitting down in a chair. She should have waited. But if she had she knew she would have kept finding reasons to not be here.

"Try this..." Ariana returned with two small tubs of ice-cream. "You'd be surprised how good chocolate ice-cream can make you feel or chocolate in general." She grinned. "So what are you so nervous about talking to me about?"

Carolyn couldn’t help but smile as she picked up one of the tubs. Scooping up some of the ice cream she tried it, deciding Ariana may have a point. “Normally I just drink too much hot chocolate but this works too.”

She paused as she considered the answer to Ariana’s question. “Nothing personal, I swear but this,” she gestured to the room in general, “is not me. Dr Hades, however, didn’t give me a choice. And he’s probably right. I mean, I remember about twenty minutes of my life last night. And when Hades saw me this morning... He thinks I’m being self destructive.”

"I tell you what..." Ariana grabbed the two tubs of ice-cream and both spoons. "Let's go...there's a place I have saved on the Holodeck you'll love!" She grinned. "You can tell me all about it when we get there."

Carolyn flashed her a grateful smile. “Sounds good.”

** Holodeck - 5 mins later **

Walking into the Holodeck Ariana smiled as the scene of a relaxing view of blue seas from a rolling green hill top covered in flowers spread out before them. She sat with her back against a shady tree looking out over the sea view. "I love it here, it's relaxing and peaceful."

“I have a programme for cross country running that is a title like this view if you don’t collapse in a heap before you get there,” Carolyn told her, tucking some of her hair back behind her ear as the breeze caught it. “Better than an office. Thanks for that.”

"No problem!" Ariana grinned. "So why does Hades think you're being self-destructive?"

"Because I was out last night, and was sitting in a bar wearing no shoes when he stopped in to pick up his breakfast," Carolyn said as she plucked out some blades of grass. "And my last CMO said as much in my review.

"I think last night was the last straw. He's been dealing with a lot. What with Kalani. And he is still worried about the whole sedatives thing. Which is stupid really. If Lynn hadn't messed up it would have been fine. Nobody would have cared."

"So what aren't you telling me?" Ariana gave Carolyn a knowing smile. "You don't get as nervous as you are for just that. So what is it you're afraid of?"

"So so much," Carolyn said admitted quietly, drawing up her legs and resting her chin on top of her knees. She stared out at the view for the longest time. Ariana was right, it was peaceful. "I don't actually know where to start. I don't even know … it feels... I'm your doctor."

"What does it have to do with me?" Ariana looked at Carolyn curiously. "Wait...are you meaning my pregnancy? Is there something that bothers you about it?"

"No... not at all," Carolyn said quickly, "you know I want this for you and we will move heaven and earth to make sure she is okay. And you."

"Then what is it?" Ariana looked at Carolyn curiously.

"It's... complicated," Carolyn told her with a small smile, stealing one of Hades favourite lines. "Okay. I guess, start at the beginning?"

"I think that would be a very good idea." Ariana nodded. "I'm not going to judge you Carolyn. I'm your friend as well as a counsellor."

"I judge myself plenty for everybody," the doctor admitted. "Just over a year and a half ago, I was serving about the USS Rhode Island. To be fair, before here, it was where I always served since graduating. I was part of the medical staff there, eventually leading the trauma unit and primary medical response unit.

Anyway. We were diverted to respond to a medical emergency and my team was to be part of the first group to beam down to provide medical aid. We knew there was an outbreak but we had no idea what was actually happening on the surface. Later they discovered it was a parasitic infection, affecting the brain. All we knew was that we beamed down into what seemed like the scene of a massacre.

From my team, from my friends, two of us made it back. From the entire group of first responders which was twenty eight people, five survived. One of them died on the ship a few hours later. Another two were dead within a year.

I couldn't even tell you how long we were down there. I know it felt like forever. And in that time I saw so many of my friends tortured and murdered...

I should explain that I was pregnant when I led my team down. All morning I had argued to be allowed to beam down because it was my job. And every day I hate myself for doing it. And then I hate myself for wishing someone else had been in my place."

She stopped, realising it was the most she had ever really said to Ariana. Ever. And she was only scratching the surface.

"You were pregnant?" Ariana looked at Carolyn in surprise. "Did something happen?"

"Only a few weeks," Carolyn told her. "I survived but our baby didn't. It was so surreal and it was like this perfect life I had started to imagine for us just vanished. It was well over a year of rehab and surgeries and sitting in offices like yours. Everyone deciding what I should be feeling and doing.

I went to the academy with most of the people who beamed down with me that day. Knew most of their families. And I lied to them and I lied to Starfleet. I said that I didn't remember much of what happened on the surface. That I blacked out. And I did, for some of it. But most it I saw it or I heard it. And unless I am ridiculously drunk, I don't forget anything.

But I told them that as far as I knew, they died quickly. That they didn't suffer. God, that was a lie.

There was one who seemed to think himself a surgeon. Maybe he was before he was infected. I have him to thank for all the lovely scars I have."

"Oh Carolyn...I'm so sorry!" Ariana gently placed her hand on Carolyn's for a moment. "I'm not going to ask you to relive that and what you've said will stay off record that I promise you!" She offered a smile. "I guess we both know the pain of losing a baby, that in itself is hard enough. Do you sleep? Or do you have nightmares?"

Carolyn smiled ruefully, “I don’t sleep much. When I do, the nightmares are usually pretty bad. So if I know I’m on leave I tend to use a sedative to help. And, well, you know how that ended up.”

She closed her eyes, feeling so tired from just talking about all of this. “If Hades hadn't arrived when he did that night, I guess we wouldn’t be having this conversation. A year ago I honestly don’t think I would have cared either way.”

"So I'm guessing Hades is worried about your sedative use?" Ariana looked at Carolyn curiously. "Do you use them a lot?"

Carolyn considered that for a moment, “I guess the answer to that is subjective. But yeah. I try but eventually I just get so tired and they work.”

Ariana nodded. "So we need to find a way to help you sleep without nightmares, it might not be a quick fix but we can work on it and talking about it is the first step. Next will be to teach you to control your dreams then hopefully we'll be able to wean you off those sedatives!" Ariana smiled.

“Hades said I’ve to use herbal tea instead. He’s probably rewriting my medical notes as we speak so I don’t have a choice,” Carolyn told her. She smiled, “he’s been nicer to me than I deserve. I just need some of his faith. And to visit Splendora Sage's store.”

"Well trust in Splendora, she's good at what she does." Ariana smiled. "Carolyn can I share something with you?

Carolyn looked at her, blue eyes squinting against the sunlight, “sure.”

"You've told me something you've been holding back, so I think turnabout is fair play. The miscarriage I had...wasn't my first." She paused. "Many years back Kaden Ross and I used to be a couple, after we broke up I found out I was pregnant. Shortly after that I fell ill and next thing I know they're telling me I've had a miscarriage. Kaden doesn't know and I don't want him to."

“I am sorry,” Carolyn said quietly, before frowning. “I saw the notes on your medical records but I guess I assumed it happened while you were married. With everything you had already gone through I didn’t want to ask you about it. I take it the news would cause a lot of problems, huh?”

Ariana nodded. "That's what I'm trying to avoid. If Kaden thinks that it could happen to Freya then she'll never get pregnant!."

“Well, my lips are sealed, I promise,” Carolyn assured her.

"Just promise me one thing. If Freya Ross should become pregnant at any point, that you'll keep an extra eye on her? I'd hate for anything to happen to them." She offered a smile.

“Done,” Carolyn promised. She flashed an apologetic smile, “sorry for bending your ear like that. Especially when you have so much to deal with. You are too nice. I’d hug you but I don’t really do that. I’ll get Kalani to drop by when she is feeling up to it, she always hugs people.”

"Don't hug me just yet!" Ariana smiled. "I'm about to make your life a bit harder. I want you to try dropping down on your sedative use. Instead of every night, every other night or less if you can manage it. Plus I want a diary kept of your nightmares and any side effects of staying off the sedatives."

“I don’t use them every night,” Carolyn insisted, “but I get the idea. I haven’t kept a diary since I was nine. At least my brother isn’t around to steal it I suppose. Okay. Sounds fair.”

"I'm glad you think so!" Ariana smiled. "And thank you for listening to my confession as well."

“No problem. I guess I should get moving before I fall asleep right here,” Carolyn commented as she stood. “I also need to apologise to Liam. Hades accused him of leading me astray but he was the perfect gentleman. Mores the pity.”

"Hmm sounds like you like him." She grinned. "What's he like?"

“Very cute,” Carolyn grinned. “And he rescued my shoes. He may have potential.”

Ariana laughed. "Hey if he likes you and you like him..." She let the sentence finish itself.

“Nope,” Carolyn said firmly, sounding far from convinced herself. “Not gonna happen.”

Ariana nodded. "Fair enough. Any particular reason why?"

“It isn’t his gorgeous blue eyes, the accent or the general to die for good looks,” Carolyn reasoned as the walked towards the exit. “More to do with my bad track record, especially with Irish guys I meet in a bar.”

Ariana grinned. "Fair enough. I'll see you next appointment unless anything comes up in the meantime."

“Thanks again,” Carolyn said, offering her a wave as she turned on her heels and headed away.

Watching Carolyn go Ariana sat relaxing and enjoying the view.

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