Shards and Shadows

Posted on Mon Oct 13th, 2014 @ 10:34pm by Lieutenant Colonel Jillian "Phoenix" Sullivan

2,989 words; about a 15 minute read

Mission: Mission 86 - Discovery
Location: Gym - Starbase 400
Timeline: Several hours after Reaching the Core

"Shards and Shadows"

Lieutenant Tom "Fives" Lasky
Major Jill "Phoenix" Sullivan

***** Gym - Starbase 400 *****

Lieutenant Tom "Fives" Lasky was wearing regular workout gear he held a bostaff in his hands, he was working through several kata's as he twirled and looped the bo, almost as if he was fighting several foes at one time.

The doors opened and in came Major Sullivan, Fives spun a quarter circle as he swung his bo in a flat arc that had it connected with another person, the sheer kinetic energy would have shattered bone and sundered flesh.

In silence he collapsed his bo before moving over to the shorter woman who looked distracted. "Major. What's on your mind... other then the obvious?" he inquired.

"Women problems," Phoenix noted off-handedly as she began to stretch out. Drinking would not help with this amount of emotional pain, so she was forced to leave her den of solitude.

Fives raised an eyebrow. "I see.... Well... I thought you might be tired of fighting holograms... care to spar with me?" he inquired evenly.

"I normally go for hardcore parkour when I wanna beat myself up," Phoenix half-shrugged. "Not sure fightin' with a metal hand is safe ta do."

Fives made a mental note to try and avoid that metal hand over hers, if she hit him with it then, she would do some serious damage in one shot. "I think I can take you." he commented neutrally. "but.... you look distracted.. you may go too far and put me in the medcenter..." he paused. "I sense much fear in you... no control."

"I don' really wanna hurt folks I like, again." Phoenix was very evasive about the comment. "One that carries my callsign for A name, has it for a reason... Beauty, but explosive in all things I do."

Fives nodded his head. "I understand... I've read the stories about the Phoenix." he explained. "But you've been out of control recently... and you like having control, over yourself at least..." he raised an eyebrow. "control over oneself is vital to everything we do."

"I hit Siaxx," Phoenix admitted with red eyes and self-loathing. "Unforgivable... Year ago I'd not of blinked 'bout what I done. Now I do."

"You're worried about what you have become... what you may yet become" Fives commented. "Phoenix... walk with me..." he commented quietly. "We're all mortal, we all make mistakes... its how we learn from them and carry on with what we've learned is what defines us... " he paused. "year ago, you were a different person then you are now. You are concerned that you might be changing into something else... something alien to you."

"I've tried to forgive myself, an' no matter what Siaxx says 'bout lettin' it go, she don' an' it hurts," Phoenix admitted with a knot in her throat. "It's why I don' do relationships... She confuses me. Makes me feel worse about my sin... Debated bumpin' myself off more than once. But I love an' hate that woman so much, that it'd just prove her point."

Fives nodded his head, clearly he understood. "Your greatest enemy... is fear. You hurt her and now she wanted to you to know exactly how that felt... I'd say she succeeded." he paused. "your own hatred and self loathing will end up destroying you and you'll let it... because she's just as angry about things as you are... I'm willing to bet... she feels the same as you do."

She did not like being analyzed by people, but grudgingly she nodded in agreement.

"I've been where you are now... Why do you think I walked away for six years... returned to Deneva and went into the Kun'Lai Highlands." he explained. "I know the dark road you travel."

"I thought I was lettin' my darkness go when I fell in love with her," Phoenix admitted with a very dry throat. "I would die to protect her, I love her so."

"But you still hate her for the situation that's arisen and you have yourself because of what's happened." Fives commented. "It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?" Fives inquired as he paraphrased the original line from Wilhelm Stekel. "Honestly Phoenix, the two of you should go somewhere away from here... no distractions... the Viery Territory is lovely this time of year.... if I can find a sitter for Tressa's kids... I aim to take her camping for a week.... just the two of us."

"I aint opposed to it," Phoenix agreed, but quickly countered, "but Siaxx an' I aren' exactly on speakin' terms at the moment... We keep pissin' the other off."

"That's because you two are dancing around the issue... you're pissing her off because you got things you want to say but you can't say it because you fear pissing her off.." Fives smiled. "Sometimes you have to push everything aside and just say it, consequences be dammed, if she turns her back then that's fine... at least you said what you needed to say..."

"So does monk stuff work?" Phoenix prodded for a subject change.

"Its a matter of discipline and cold hard logic." he explained.

"I wanna control my rage so it don' hurt anyone again," Phoenix admitted quietly as she finished stretching out. "Can you teach that?"

Fives regarded her. "It will take a great deal of time and you'll need to find something constructive as a replacement outlet for your energy but... I can do it.." he paused. "first... you must be open to wisdom..."

"My kin aint known fer wisdom... but I'll try," Phoenix promised uneasily.

Fives nodded. "Fair enough.... you just need to try.."

"So where do we start?"

"We start right now." he commented evenly. "First... you need to find a way to release your anger... it gives you great strength but it's also your greatest weakness." he explained as he stood before her. "Wisdom can only penetrate a mind that's open to it."

"I'm listenin'," Phoenix prodded.

Fives regarded her. "Tell me what angers you most...." he inquired evenly.

"It differs," Phoenix after a long pensive. Then she shrugged, "I guess right now I loathe feelin' helpless, knowin' my mom is gonna die over somethin' that's my fault."

"In order to best face what angers you most, you should understand what can be used for you and against you." he explained evenly as he collapsed his bo into a small device which one could easily slip into a bag as he regarded her. "Phoenix.. what drives you?"

"Used to be vengeance.... Now I dunno. Can' say I'm in this uniform cause I believe in the cause," Phoenix shrugged off. "Mostly I wake up an' do my job cause that's all I know ta do, these days."

Fives regarded her. "Phoenix, at present you are all hate and fury but what used to work doesn't drive you anymore... does it?"

"Since we no longer kill Spoonheads, no," Phoenix noted bitterly. "Now I'm stuck in this monkey outfit until I die... So I'm a warrior that's got no fight to go to."

Fives raised an eyebrow. "But you do have a battle to wage... one with yourself." he regarded her. "Ignore Starfleet and what happened in the past.. the past is the past, it only informs your choices, it doesn't make your future choices..." he commented. "you are the only one who can decide your destiny but.... choose carefully." he commented.

"I dunno what I want... No one really has asked me, since I got out of prison," Phoenix answered honestly.

Fives nodded his head as he smiled at her, not unkindly. "A fair point." he replied quietly. "You should go have a heart to heart with yourself and ask yourself that question... where are you at.... and where are you going?" he inquired.

In all honesty, Phoenix wanted Siaxx as her wife. But the reasons were not entirely because of Love. To please her dying mother by giving her a daughter-in-law she adored. That was the primary reason to ask Siaxx, though Phoenix truly loved her.

The trick to this desire was that it was impossible to attain at this time. Reason number one being that Phoenix put the love of her life in the hospital. And because of that fact, she and Siaxx had been playing dodge ball with their emotions for each other since.

In the end, marriage was a concept that filled her mother's biggest goal for the pilot, not her own. Too much damage had to be fixed before Phoenix would have the nerve to ask the question.

And then it dawned on Phoenix... The only thing she never screwed up was her flying ability. Her tactics. Every pilot and special forces marine knew her name because of her unique skill sets for killing. So the thing she hated most in her life was really the only thing that held potential.

"Right now I'm a lonely ass who's only good at flyin' stuff," Phoenix answered after what might of been five or ten minutes of contemplation. "I wanna marry but right now the only path ahead of me is ta end my career a general, if I keep flyin' right."

Fives held his silence as he watched her intently, his blue eyes said much as he beheld his savage reflection. "A general with nothing else?" he inquired.

"That's usually why brass get their ranks... Too much time devoted to their work an' nothin' else," Phoenix noted dryly. "I aint a family gal, even though my folks want me ta be."

"So you must decide if you want something more then work..." Fives commented evenly. "The choices is really up to you."

"I do... I just don' know how ta get it properly," Phoenix answered guardedly.

"Well there are several ways... the right way, the wrong way and your way." Fives explained. "there is no such thing as the proper way.." he added with a smile. "when you say proper... how exactly do you mean?, something that will gain you what you seek without offending the army of morons we deal with..?" he inquired. "or something without you're intended or yourself?"

"I want it, but I fear bein' hurt. And the only reason to ask for it would be to please my dyin' mother - as a last wish." Phoenix bit her lower lip. "I aint sure if askin' her ta marry me, for my mom's sake, is such a good idea, even though I love her."

"Its not." Fives responded quietly. "If you want to get married.. it has to be for you... and for her... not as a request from someone else, you'll be miserable, she'll be pissed off and you'll be right back where you started except it'll be far worse.... you'll have a lot more shit to sort out."

"Suppose I should sort out my own feelin's then," Phoenix agreed.

"Always start with yourself, because you are the greatest enemy you will ever face or know."

"Well... That's my goal then. So where's tha wisdom?" Phoenix asked dubiously.

Fives gave her an odd look. "The wisdom is in listening and deciding what you want with what I'm saying."

"Relationships don' offer a zen fellin' though. Just a lot more stress," Phoenix countered.

"You won't find Zen in a relationship, you find that elsewhere..." he commented. "meditation, combat training or sex, all are useful as aids... What we do in life, echo's in eternity Phoenix." Fives explained as he regarded the woman before him. "You're also carrying around a lot of baggage as well, guilt about things you can or can't control. Things that happened to you that you could not have anticipated like what happened to your folks.."

"My mom is dyin' cause I didn' cover my tracks well, and that got her arrested," Phoenix spoke matter-of-factly.

"Answer me this.... would it have mattered had they not gone to prison and instead had remained on the loose only to be slaughtered like the rest of the Maquis at the hands of the Dominion.."

"Considerin' she's dyin' of a really nasty blood poison? Yeah, I think I'd prefer her ta die in a blaze of glory, than watch her fall apart bit by bit," Phoenix answered rather angrily towards herself.

"When will you stop blaming yourself for the misdeeds of others... there is enough hate, shame and crap in this world without seeking more. Let it go Phoenix..."

"The siblin's I liked, all died cause I didn' protect 'em.... An' my mom is gonna die cause of somethin' I did," Phoenix sniffed. "Siaxx got hurt cause I hit her... Anyone I care for, is hurt cause of me an' I feel if I don' take responsibility for it, that I get off for it."

"Phoenix. You still have to forgive yourself... otherwise you'll never move on, never let go..." he sighed softly. "Believe me... I'd know." he looked at her as he simply raised an eyebrow. "I've seen a lot of people I cared about and one I loved, die for various reasons and because I couldn't blame the enemy... I blamed myself..... I know the path you are embarking on and I know what awaits you.."

"I tried too... Just doesn' seem ta right any wrongs I make though," Phoenix noted gloomily, then laughed a bit with a sudden realization. "Guess I really do care 'bout what folks think about me... Bothers me, when I try to fix my mistakes an' folks don' want me to."

"Could you have this conversation with Siaxx in your present frame of mind?" he inquired with a smile. "No.. you couldn't... just as I couldn't tell Jade how I felt about her before a Cardassian pilot killed her."

"I don' think Siaxx wants a commitment just yet... An' if I ask, she may run away," Phoenix answered after a long moment of thought.

Fives turned away as he looked around the gym where they were standing.
"Sure. Circumstances led me back here and to a second chance with Tressa..." he commented as he turned back to her. "Do yourself a favor... go find Siaxx and tell her exactly what is on your mind, if she won't give you the time of day then you demand it from her.... get it out of your system so she doesn't assume stupid things."

"I'll try ta tell her... Not easy when ya do it in person," Phoenix half-grinned.

"The hard things in life never are easy." Fives responded. "You could try writing it out, then try to condense it into something you want to say to her.." he added. "At least you have the information on paper..."

"True," Phoenix agreed. "It's my first an' only relationship too."

Fives regarded her with a cool look. "You prove my point.... you should confront her and stop dancing around the issue, if you piss her off then you piss her off Phoenix." he raised an eyebrow. "but at least you won't be dancing around the issue and you'll also be putting her on notice that you're done playing games."

"...So you're sayin' my hittin' her had nothin' ta do with my bein' upset with her. That it's cause I love her an' I dunno how ta tell 'er?" Phoenix blinked as she tried to process all this information.

"You hit her because you couldn't express yourself properly, you've always been the badass and you've gotten used to it, now suddenly you are having to come to terms with a lot of things that are new to you and you're unsure of how to process it." Fives commented. "That's why you hit her."

"So what do I do 'bout my anger when I just can' let what's upset me, go?" Phoenix asked next.

"Being angry is fine but losing it won't help you're cause any because if you do lose it, you will have failed yourself as you failed your cause." he explained. "Why did you hit her?"

"She told somethin' I told her in confidence, in full, to another person," Phoenix spoke with watery eyes. "Never asked me if she could tell anyone.... Just disrespected our relationship, an' my trust, an' told folks bits an' pieces of things I don' want out."

"Prehaps she had cause" Fives commented. "Possible to someone whom she could implicitly trust...." he raised an eyebrow.

"So my feelin's mean nothin' then?" Phoenix asked rhetorically.

"Not the case at all." Fives responded. "We all make mistakes Phoenix, what you do now... is how you learn from it... because your feelings matter, very much so..."

"Why do I feel like I'm tha only guilty party then?"

"You're not..... and if you feel that way then you need to confront her about it. feelings bottled up do more damage then anything else."

"Relationships are complicated," Phoenix sighed in frustration, and laid on her back as if to give up. "I hate that gal... an' yet I love her. I wanna hold her hand... and yet sometimes I wanna kick her in tha shins... Why do gals have ta be so complex and infuriatin'?"

Fives regarded her. "I have no idea." he commented. "I've not dated anyone in years..." he admitted.

Phoenix smirked as his comment, then signed in resignation, "I came here ta do some parkour... Don' look like I'm gonna have much focus for it today."

"That's okay." he commented. "you can try my workout routine." he commented. "Combat training" he added by way of clarification.

"I don' have tha discipline ta learn a martial art," Phoenix half-grinned. "But I can try."

Fives nodded his head. "Very well..." he smiled.

"So what's first?"

"You need to be calm and focused." he commented. "So... you go for a run five times around the gym." he then grinned at her. "it'll serve as your warm up."

***** Here's where the fun begins - Anakin Skywalker *****

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