Much Needed Counseling

Posted on Fri May 10th, 2013 @ 3:11am by Lieutenant Anandra Delair & Admiral Deela T'Lar

3,612 words; about a 18 minute read

Mission: Mission 82 - The Aggressor
Location: Counselor Delair's Office
Timeline: Concurrent

ON:

Deela left OPS and had retired to her quarters. She made a note that she would talk to Mike about the visit that Sevlek's little puppet made. She was still reeling from that conversation, her emotions heightened. She was glad that Vincent had taken the kids out somewhere on the promenade because he would know what she was feeling and thinking.

Vincent knew that something was bothering her by her trouble sleeping and just seemingly emotional than normal. He tried to talk to her about it but he knew that he was too close to the situation.

Deela went to bed to take a nap before seeing Mike about Sevlek. As soon as her head hit the pillow, she fell asleep and not long after that, she started to dream. The dreams were the same as the ones she had when her first husband was killed. Once again, she abruptly woke up.

"Damn" she said under her breath. She sat up in bed and tried meditating but she couldn't seem to concentrate. After a few hours, she went back to OPS but Bremer wasn't there. She was visited by Alex who had just gotten back from Earth. Alex was going to tell her about Lee's family but she noticed that Deela was not herself. Captain Harrison suggested that she talk to someone, someone who wasn't close to her.

Deela had enough. It was disturbing to her not being able to mentally focus on anything. But she was once a counselor herself so it was difficult for her to be the patient. Meditating didn't help. Counselor Dallas was busy so she decided to see the new girl for help.

=^= Admiral T'Lar to Counselor Delair. I'd like to make an appointment with you. =^=

Anandra had been sitting in her office going over her usual duty reports for the day when the communication cut through the deafeningly silent air in the room. Her hesitation to respond was prompted only by her odd sense of surprise that she was actually getting a real work communication in the middle of such a dull workday.

She quickly accessed her computer and tapped the comm badge.

=^= This is Counselor Delair. =^= She squinted, looking at the schedule she pulled up on the screen.

=^= Admiral, I'm open all afternoon today ..and most of tomorrow as well. =^= She awaited a response, making a mental note to pull up the Admiral's files as soon as the appointment was scheduled.

=^= How about an hour from now? =^= She couldn't believe that she was going thru with this,

Anan checked the time. =^= Sounds perfect, I'll see you then, Admiral. =^=

She punched the Admiral's appointment into the schedule, then pulled up her files - she was obviously familiar with the Admiral, but only on a chain-of-command sort of basis.

An hour passed and Deela found herself standing at the Counselor's door. She took a deep breath before ringing the chime. What she really wanted to do was run the other way as fast as she could. Instead she waited.

Anandra had just been going over the Admiral's file when the chime pulled her out of her concentration. She locked the computer console and stood, coming around the desk to stand where she wouldn't crowd the entrance. "Come in." She beckoned, flipping her long hair over her shoulder and standing respectfully tall and straight, though not quite at attention, to greet the Admiral with a welcoming smile and a "Good afternoon, Admiral."

"Good afternoon. And thank you for seeing me so quickly. Please call me Deela. I feel a little uncomfortable being called Admiral while I'm here." She looked around the room than back at Anandra.

"Of course, Deela. You can call me Anan..un-unless you prefer Counselor, of course. Or Lieutenant." She waved a hand dismissively at her own rambling. "I'm sorry please, have a seat." she gestured to the seating area, allowing Deela to find a spot before picking one close by. "What can I do for you today?"

Deela sat there for a moment, "This is difficult for me to come here but I can no longer deal with things on my own. It was easy when I was commanding my own ship and keeping very busy but now, I have a great deal of time on my hands. And being a counselor once myself, it makes it even more difficult for me to come see you. I guess I just need someone to talk to, someone who can be objective."

She listened patiently, even as Deela simply sat there for a moment - collecting her thoughts, Anan assumed - and though she didn't know the underlying reasons, she understood why the Admiral was here, and how it could be difficult for her. "Alright," she said with a bit of a nod. "Well I appreciate the fact that you are here despite how difficult it is for you - you've taken the first step toward finding a way to cope with these things that you say you can no longer deal with, and I'm going to do anything I can to help." She was certain that the Admiral did not need such reassurances, but she offered them anyway. "What is it that you find yourself struggling with?"

"Ever since the Gorn were brought up in a mission briefing, I can't stop thinking about my deceased husband, Jim. I mentally keep replaying that day in my mind. I go to sleep thinking about it and I wake up thinking about it as well. I can't concentrate on anything. I keep going over and over in my mind what I could have done differently. I've tried everything including Vulcan meditation and it hasn't helped." She hated not being in complete control of her faculties.

While Deela had given her enough information to determine the nature of her struggles, Anan needed to know more about the circumstances surrounding her husband's death, and how exactly it was that the Gorn played a role. "Can you tell me more about that day?" she asked.

"We were responding to a distress call inside the Cestus system. When we got there, we found a small ship and approached it. Inside, we found an injured male and beamed him onto my ship and towed the small ship behind us. Right before we left the system, we were fired upon. It was the Gorn and they claimed that this man was responsible for several deaths. I refused to give him up and so we got into a fire fight. My husband who was also my XO wanted to give him up but I wasn't about to do it because he clearly wasn't going to get a fair trial. We argued and he backed down. We continued to battle and soon our shields started to weaken. Once we lost shields, the Gorn boarded our ship. My husband along with a security team went to secure the ship. He fought with one of the Gorn and was stabbed several times, causing massive internal bleeding. He was immediately beamed over to Sickbay and by the time I got there, he was near death. They couldn't stop the bleeding. I held him in my arms until he passed away."

Deela paused as she pulled herself together, "Not only did my husband and some of my crew die that day but the man that this all started with also died at the hands of the Gorn. I risked the lives of my crew for what? A complete stranger?" She hated how it made her feel to the point that she just wanted to tuck it away and forget that it ever happened.

After hearing the full story, it was no wonder to Anan that Deela couldn't stop thinking about her husband and the Gorn. She'd took note when Deela pointed out that things were easier when she was keeping busy, and she wondered if perhaps, instead of giving herself some time to mourn, the Admiral buried herself in work and simply pushed the feelings aside. In her relatively short tenure as a counselor, she'd witnessed similar common occurrences with Starfleet officers' propensity to jump right back to the daily routine after a traumatic event - it was an admirable work ethic that was inherent in the best of Starfleet, but not always the best coping mechanism. There was also the contingency that Deela was part Vulcan, and that their cultural practice of inhibiting emotions might have held the Admiral back from facing the emotions created by the trauma she suffered that day. In addition to these thoughts, Anan wondered if the Admiral might also be carrying part of the blame over the deaths of her crewmembers and her husband.

"Deela, you had no way of knowing how the events of that day would unfold. You were facing considerable challenges - under considerable pressure, and as a Starfleet officer you made decisions that upheld one of our highest principles - the value of all life. That man may have been a complete stranger, but your decision not to hand him over gave him a chance that he might not have gotten otherwise - if you had not brought him aboard in the first place he might have died in vain either from his injuries or at the hands of the Gorn. You were trying to give him a fair chance, you were doing the right thing."

She didn't mean to focus on the stranger - she would certainly address the overall issues, but it was important first to alleviate any doubt in Deela's mind over whether or not she unduly risked any lives.

"What makes this even harder is that our next stop was Earth to drop Jim off. He was going to head up a training mission for a few months. Sometimes I wish that I had never answered that distress call."

Deela's eyes watered slightly but she caught herself, "I really hate myself for saying that but it is how I feel."

Anan sat forward a bit as she listened thoughtfully, empathetic of Deela's feelings. "You can't hate yourself for how you feel. This has been very difficult for you, but it was beyond your control, and you can't change whats happened. Right now, you have to worry about you, because you're right here right now, you're struggling." she spoke evenly, calmly, her tone professional and unassertive. "You may be feeling some regret, or guilt about what's happened - have you noticed or thought about any other feelings you might be having?"

Deela chuckled, "Funny you should say that. My life is always a struggle. Afterall, I'm Betazoid and Vulcan. Half of the time, my thoughts and feelings are jumbled up inside my head with everyone else's. Unfortunately with Jim's death on my mind, I'm flooded with everyone else's emotions and thoughts right now. Meditation usually help but it is useless." Deela sighed, "Maybe instead of coming here, I should have seen the Doc. She could have given me something to sleep and I wouldn't have to deal with any of this." She knew a few Betazoids who went crazy in similar situations.

"But that would be putting it off..ignoring the problem, hiding from it. You have to learn to deal with all of this - I mean, certainly if you're having trouble sleeping I'm sure the doctor would prescribe something..but you need to face this and you need to do whatever it takes to deal or it will simply keep cropping up in your lifetime."

"I know." She sighed, "Back when I was doing what you are, I helped my patients cope with the death of crew-members and loved ones so why can't I figure this out myself? It shouldn't be this difficult."

"It often is, though. That logical response, knowing how to help a patient cope - it goes right out the air lock the moment you find yourself in a patient's shoes." she paused momentarily, long enough to have a thought. "You know, I can't speak for everyone who has experienced your position, but I'm inclined to think that this difficulty has a lot to do with emotion clouding the logical approach that you might take if it were one of your patients trying to cope - and your situation could be particularly volatile due to your Vulcan background. Be honest with me if you think I'm wrong, but I get the sense that you may have suppressed a lot of ..emotion, regarding your suffering." she hesitated before adding. "Think about it as a counselor, try to view yourself, your responses and actions following the loss as you would look at a patient's suffering - do you see any healthy or unhealthy coping behaviors? Do you think that you've allowed yourself to ..mourn properly?"

"I didn't have time. I had a crew that needed me to be strong and get them through their losses as well. As a commanding officer, you have to set aside your problems and concentrate on your crew. I don't think I need to repeat the saying about the needs of the many. I also had a child that needed me as well. Then a year and a half after his death, I met Vincent, got married and then had Raivyn. I hadn't thought about that day until the Gorn's name came up."

"I see." said Anan, nodding slightly. "I understand, and you're very strong to have been there for them to help carry the burden of their losses while you had lost so much yourself, but it seems that focusing your concerns on others might have prevented you from addressing your own feelings about that day. I'd like to go back to that day if you would, and try to bring up some of the things you felt immediately as everything was happening all around you - or at least address the moment when your loss became more 'real' to you." She knew that those feelings would be complicated, not only because of the nature of the events, but also because Deela was Vulcan and 'feelings' were considerably more complex for that fact alone. "Can you describe that to me - either your immediate feelings, or the moment when Jim's death really struck you?"

Deela remembered exactly how she felt. She was starting to feel those emotions all over again, "He died in my arms, how do you think I felt? I felt angry. I wanted to kill the Gorn and make them pay for what he did. Then I remember walking into my quarters and seeing Brandon. I believe that is when it hit me. I had to hold it together for the sake of my son and crew. It took every part of my being to do so. Thanks to my father's Vulcan training, I was able to bury the pain of my loss."

"If and when you're willing, I would like to unearth that pain a little bit so that we can address it. I'm certain as a counselor you're aware how damaging it can be to bury such significant traumas..and I think if we are able to sort out these buried feelings and work on coping mechanisms, you may not have them cropping up in the future as they did when you were briefed on the Gorn. Is that something you would be willing to try?"

"Obviously, I can't do this on my own so yes, I would be willing to try." She shifted uncomfortably in her seat.

"Alright," Anandra replied, sinking back in her chair as she collected her thoughts. She wanted, of course, to elicit an emotional response from Deela, but exactly where to begin and how to draw it out would take some consideration. "Computer, dim the lights." she said, sitting more upright and turning slightly to face her patient more directly. "I'd like you to close your eyes, Deela, and try to go back to the moment after Jim's death when you went and saw Brandon. Try to imagine it to the last detail, put yourself right back there in that moment - when you've got a clear picture in your mind, try to recall the things that were said. You don't have to share them with me, but I'd like you to try to recall the conversation verbatim, if you can. Take your time."

Deela did so. (Past) She finds herself standing once again in front of Brandon who was about four years old at the time. She had just come from Sickbay and ran home to see her son. Brandon got up from the table and ran into her arms and Deela hugged him tightly. He looked towards the door waiting for his daddy to walk in. He hadn't seen him by now which was unusual because Jim always came home at lunch time to eat with Brandon, like clockwork. But this time, there was no Jim. Brandon kept his eye on the door. Deela's heart was broken as she sensed the confusion of her son. He ran back over to Deela and looked up at her. She bent down to get at his level as she always did. "Where's daddy? I made him a sanwitch." That was how he said sandwich at the time. Deela had tears forming as she struggled on what to say to Brandon, "I'm sorry Brandon. He won't be coming home from lunch."

Brandon's lip started to quiver, "But I made him a sanwitch. Connie helped me." Deela's heart sank, "I know you did but daddy can't come home for lunch. Something happened to him and he won't be coming home anymore." Brandon started to cry, "No, daddy IS coming home." With that, he went back to the door and stood there determined to wait for Jim to come home. Deela could feel the turmoil that her son was feeling.

(Present) The memory caused tears to stream down Deela's face.

Anandra waited patiently, stoic, as Deela delved into her memories. She paid special attention to Deela's features, knowing that an 'emotional response' could manifest itself in a very subtle, slight manner rather than bubbling furiously out of her as Anan might expect from some of her more emotionally forward patients. When the tears started to fall, Anandra was quite pleased, in the way Counselors always were for their patients when the point of progress - purging - was reached, though naturally her exterior remained professionally stoic. "Now," she said, her tone gentle, soothing as she remained ever aware of Deela's emotions at hand. "Can you describe to me once more, exactly what you're feeling now?" She wanted Deela to recognize and establish her own understanding of those particular feelings, to objectify and give them a label or an adjective that will stick in Deela's mind and help her with her 'homework' exercises later.

Deela wiped her cheeks. She was overwhelmed by her emotions. She was tapping into her Betazoid side, something that she tried to keep at bay. She cleared her throat, "I felt helpless watching my son wait by the door, refusing to believe that daddy wasn't coming back." She paused for a moment, "Guilty, yes, I remember thinking that with all the things I could do, I couldn't bring Jim back." Those were the two strongest emotions that she felt. Anger and sadness was also present in her emotions.

Anandra reached next to the potted plant on the table by her seat and grabbed a tissue, then offered it to Deela. "I'm sorry this is a bit overwhelming right now, but you've made great progress in a short time today. I'd like to stop here." she paused momentarily, giving her treatment plan a thought. "I'd like to try an exercise with you, using guided meditation, over our next few sessions." Anan took the liberty of assuming Deela would come back, but the choice was naturally all up to her. "But first I'd like you to do some meditation on your own before you come back to see me. I want you to recall these feelings we just discussed - helplessness and guilt - try to separate them from your memories of the experience. Take control of them. Imagine the feelings as objects, imagine putting them out an air lock or under the ground. If your memories come loud and clear, don't push them out of your mind, but don't let the feelings rule the memories."

"Okay." She wiped her eyes, "I will try anything right now if it will help."

"Good, and remember to call on me if you have any questions or you just want to talk..I am always available, and I'll do everything I can to help." she looked at Deela for a moment, distantly wondering if she'd done any good for her, but she knew only time would tell. "Do you have any final thoughts or concerns before we finish for today?"

"Not that I can think of right now. I'll try this exercise you've given me and see how I do." She stood up, "When do you want to get together again?" She was going to see this thru.

She got right to her feet at Deela stood. "Whenever is most convenient for you. I imagine your schedule is far more complicated than mine. Give yourself some time. Try the exercise at your convenience, but don't push yourself. Afterward, whenever you're ready to talk you can contact me and I'll make sure we have the time." she walked Deela to the door. "Take care, Deela. I hope to see you soon."

"You will. Thank you for your help." Deela walked out the door.

OFF.

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