Baby Steps

Posted on Thu Apr 18th, 2013 @ 10:59pm by Lieutenant Saith i-Ki Baratan

1,088 words; about a 5 minute read

Mission: Mission 82 - The Aggressor
Location: Counselor Dallas' Office - SB400
Timeline: Prior to Avenger leaving for Cetus III

Counselor Dallas' Office - SB400

Saith was very nervous as the door to Counselor Dallas’ office chimed. When it opened she stepped inside.

"Hello, Ensign. Please," Karyn offered, "have a seat."

Taking a seat, Saith glanced around the room. Without being conscious of it, Saith wasn’t looking at the woman. “I . . . I should apologize I guess for what happened in Admiral Bremer’s office,” referring to her first introduction to the woman.
“I have been in counseling before, more than even you probably know, and it has never done a lot for me.” She glanced up then averted her eyes again; “I have decided to try harder this time, I told both Maal and Lee that I would . . .” Saith quit talking and bit her lip nervously.

"Thank you for the apology. I appreciate the sentiment behind it even though I wasn't offended. Most people resist therapy, some even vehemently, and I've learned not to take it personally. That said, you're here now, and I want to help however you'll allow. Maybe it'll put you at ease some to tell me what it is you would like to work on?"


Saith thought for a moment then shrugged. She was accutely aware of being one of the 'vehement' resistors. "I don't know. I was ordered here for . . . " she chuckled softly, then sighed, "expressing my anger in unproductive ways."

She frowned again, "but I talked to Lee and he seems to think my anger comes from" she stopped abruptly. She didn't really want to get into all of that right now.

"Comes from?" Karyn asked expectantly.

Out of the blue, and not knowing why Saith blurted out, "I helped kill my father," she paused and looked at the woman she was talking to, "and I never felt anything." That wasn't exactly true, but Saith felt it was true enough.

Dallas understood the sentiment more than the other woman realized. Karyn's father wasn't deceased, but she'd fantasized often of killing him. "As long as you're not planning to hurt yourself or others, I can't divulge anything from your past. Will you start from the beginning?"

Saith sighed, "I guess it really started when I was six . . ."


Saith paused looking at the wall. She had always known she was mad at her father, she hadn't realized how betrayed she felt by everyone. Everyone except Ecurai. She studiously did not look at Counselor Dallas.

This was a situation in which it was best to ride out the silence as Karyn saw it. Often, counselors were too eager to fill silence with their own voices when so much more could be revealed through patience.

“When I was six, we, my parents and I, attended some important party in the Capitol. The Praetor was in attendance and it was an honor to be invited. I was six, so for the most part it was boring to me except for looking at the pretty building and the formal dress of all the people in attendance. I had been wandering and saw my father leaving the party, going upstairs with two men I had never seen before. I was curious, so I followed them.”
Saith paused, “that was the biggest mistake of my life.” She stared at the wall for several moments.

Eventually pulling herself back from the memory, Saith shook her head to keep her eyes from tearing up. She glanced at Counselor Dallas then quickly looked away.

With a sigh she continued “I don’t know who the men were or what the meeting was about, but the two men ended up dead. I ended up in a detention facility for killing them.” Her voice was thick with anger.

Saith was well aware that there was a lot of information existing between her last two sentences, but her throat constricted, “I think that is all I can say right now.” The distance between that night and the night her father died was even further. Between those days and her new life seemed like a completely different life.

Karyn didn't quite know what had transpired in between what the other had shared and what she hadn't, but she knew not to push. "Thank you for sharing what you did. You don't have to do or say anything you're not ready to, but I think it might help to address your feelings about all of what you have shared. I can see you're angry, and that is completely justified, but I also hear you saying that anger is really impacting your ability to enjoy your life."

Saith glanced at the counselor. “It isn't about me enjoyinbg anything. Starfleet wants me to let go of my anger,” she winced at the slight sneer in her voice as she said Starfleet, “but I don’t know if I can survive without it. Maal is okay with me as I am, Lee, Captain Pike that is, can handle it but thinks it is a problem. Everyone else is saying ‘just change.’ To be honest I don’t know if I want to change.”

Saith thought about that for a moment and shook her head, “Anger is my life. It is how I survive. How I have always survived, but things," another pause, “things are different now. I am not fighting for my very existence, and I have attained some level of independence and security, but to not be angry seems like it wouldn’t be me. I don't know another me.”

"Change is scary and never easy," Karyn acknowledged, "and I don't know who'll you'll be without anger, but here's what I think we can agree on. At least one senior Starfleet officer you trust believes your anger is a problem. That tells me he thinks your career may be in jeopardy because of your anger. That, in turn, suggests you have the choice to deal with it now voluntarily or wait and risk any choices you had being taken from you. I don't hear you refusing to work on this, just that you're unsure of the unknown. I can work with that. Hell, as Starfleet Officers, we face the unknown every day, and somehow we figure out how not to let it stop us from discovering something wonderful, useful, or just plain new. Do you think you can take the leap with me?"

Saith shook her head, "I don't know. All I can do is try." She looked at the door, "I need to go, the Avenger is going on a mission and I need to be on her."

RSS Feed