Loss and Loneliness

Posted on Wed Jan 13th, 2021 @ 11:30pm by Admiral Deela T'Lar & Commodore Alexandra Harrison

1,652 words; about a 8 minute read

Mission: Episode 108 – Tragedies, Fortunes, and an Endgame
Location: T'Lar's Quarters
Timeline: MD2 - 1025hrs

Deela had spent a good 30 minutes in Sickbay with her crewmembers who had been injured. She was going to see Jack but after seeing the results of an epic fail, she needed to get away and be alone. She didn't want anyone to see her at her weakest moment.

Deela walked into her quarters and sat down on the couch. She could feel the wetness on her face, stinging her cheeks. She could hear her father in her head saying, "You are part Vulcan, act like it." or "I did not teach you to wallow in self pity. Stop feeling sorry for yourself." Then there was her mother, "Let it out. It'll make you feel better." or "I know your father wants you be more Vulcan but you are part Betazoid and human too. You need to cry or it's going to eat you up inside."

Deela never understood why he married her mom. Growing up, it seemed like he really wanted a daughter who was more like him. So why didn't he marry another Vulcan? It never made sense." So now she was dealing with an explosion of emotions.

She sat, staring at the empty kid's room. It was so quiet and still. There were no kids and no white Bengal Tiger to surround her. What she would give to hear a child's giggle or kids fighting a silly toy and then Earl would come over to them and steal the toy that they were fighting over. And if they tried to take it from him, he'd growl real loud to say, it's mine. She managed a slight smile but it didn't last long.

Deela went to her bedroom and when she passed by the mirror, she saw her face and hair. Her hair was out of sorts and she looked very unkept. Sighing, she took a shower and while there, she cried. This was the second time she had lost a crewmember because of a senseless war. The faces of those injured was forever etched in her mind. And although seeing Kah'lyn alive, it didn't make it less painful to know that she was in command and they died. She was supposed to keep them safe and she failed. Her father would be so disappointed in her right now.

Finishing her shower and getting dressed in sweat pants and a shirt, she went to replicate something to eat but nothing was appealing to her. How could she indulge herself while there were family members hurting right now? She blamed herself because it was her job to make sure that the ship was in proper working order.

She reclined on the sofa and just stared at the empty room. She must have finally dozed off because she jumped when the chime rang. She didn't want to see anyone and she didn't want to get off the sofa. She wanted to be left alone.

"Deela? I know you're in there. Please let me in? Please?" Deela continued to lay on the couch and was very quiet. She could hear Alex's concern for her but she still didn't want to talk. Alex wasn't going to give up, "Deela, let me in or I will use my security clearance and come in anyway." Deela sighed and reluctantly let her in.

Alex walked in and sat down next to her. A PADD was in her hand. She set it down on the coffee table. Looking at Deela, she had only seen her this emotional once and that was when Jim died. She was in bad shape and it was to be her mission to get her through this. "We don't have to talk. I'll just sit here and be here for you when you do."

Alex handed Deela a tissue and then hugged her. Deela started to talk, "You know, I have lost a few crewmembers here and there but not because the ship wasn't in prime condition. The Essex should have never gone out in that condition and it was my fault for not checking on it. I failed as a commanding officer."

Alex picked up the PADD and handed it to her, "Deela, they towed the Essex here. One of your crewmen mentioned that the backup shield generators were supposed to be upgraded and they weren't. He told me to show this to you."

Deela read the what was on the PADD. Alex waited for her to finish, "See? There was no way that you could know. The engineering department dropped the ball. The backup shield generators were upgraded, just not on the Essex. The report said Essex but after you left, it was corrected. Before the mix up was discovered, it was too late. You were already enroute."

"How did you find all this out?" Deela was lost on how she found out.

"I went looking for you but you weren't there. When I asked if you had been there, he said no but he also needed to see you. I inquired why and he showed me. He handed this to me and asked me to drop this off with you when I found you." Alex watched Deela's expression and smiled. Deela looked relieved but yet she was still feeling bad about the loss of a few of her crewmembers.

Deela went from relief and a smile to absolute anger, "I will have their head, whoever it is! I swear this person WILL be held accountable!"

"Deela!" Alex now needed to calm her down, "I know you are angry. I would be too. But this Starbase and everyone on it has been through a lot. Things here are still topsy turvy. And that brings me to another subject...our kids."

"I miss them. I miss them more than anything. It's too quiet here without them. And now that Earl is gone, it's even more lonelier now. " Deela frowned.

"I know what you mean. I feel it too." Alex also frowned, "Now that things are calming down, I want to go get my kids. I was wondering if you wanted me to pick yours up as well. Unless you have other plans."

"Well, Jack and I want to get married and we thought we would take a trip to Earth as kind of a honeymoon. But now, I think I would rather get the kids myself and then get married. I really want them to be here for it. We have not made set plans though." Deela sighed.

"You really love him, don't you?" Alex put her hand on top of Deela's.

"I do. We have waited a long time and have let others enjoy their day but I am tired of being nice and thoughtful. I want to marry him now, not later. I would even get married on Earth instead of here. It is an option. When things calm down, I am sure that we will discuss this."

"Good to know." Alex looked at her friend, "Are you going to be okay?"

"I will be." Deela stood up, "I need to check up on the Essex. I have no clue how bad of shape she is in. I may be without a ship for a while. How did your ship fare in all this mess?"

Alex sighed, "The Steadfast was slightly damaged. Nothing major. I'm so sorry about your ship. It was hard enough hearing about the Essex A. But now this one."

"Yes, I must be a bad captain. I cannot keep my ships from being damaged. " She was a little depressed which wasn't like her.

Alex was a bit worried, "Come on. Stop kicking yourself. This time it wasn't your fault. You know, ever since this battle, losing SB400, getting it back and replacing people, there is going to be problems. But now that this whole thing is over, we can get SB400 back in proper working order. It's going to take a while but I have faith in you and Bremer that you'll get this Starbase back to it's old efficient self."

Deela smiled slightly, "Oh Alex, what would I do without you?"

"I'm not going anywhere, well, except to Earth to get my kids. I just need permission from a certain Admiral."

Deela chuckled, "Permission granted then. Give those kids a hug from me. I will let you know if I need you to pick up mine or if we are going to go get them ourselves."

"Sounds like a plan. I'll be waiting to hear from you. Now that my work is done here, you go and give the person who messed up hell. They will never do it again, I promise you."

"Oh, do not worry. Heads will roll." Deela was adamant.

"Oh, I'm not worried. Not anymore." Alex observed her for a moment, "Well, I need to go. I have some arrangements to make before we can leave. Before then, if you want to talk again, I'll be here for you. And don't feel too bad for breaking down. If you didn't, I would be worried."

"Now you sound like my mother." She smiled, "She would be telling me the same thing."

"Well, she is a wise woman and she is right. With that said, I will leave you now."

Deela jokingly rolled her eyes, "Yes she is. I will talk to before you leave, once we make our decision. Thank you again for being here for me. I am sorry that I made you stand out there for a while."

"Doesn't matter. I came here to do what I needed to do." Alex headed for the door, "Goodbye Admiral." It was an old joke between them.

"Goodbye Captain." Deela watched her leave. She felt a little better but she was still angry that someone made such a huge mistake. She went to her room, sat on the bed and began to meditate. She needed to calm herself before tackling the situation at hand.

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